Growing up I had been raised in a black and white deterministic world. Everything that happened to me was a consequence of my actions - fortunate or unfortunate, it was all foretold in the previous page. To know how the world turned allowed me to work towards ends in earnest.
Yet in the last couple years something had happened that left me shook. It was something that was so unexpected and surprising that even as I replayed the events that led up to it I didn’t understand how it could have happened to me, how I couldn’t have foreseen it. If I had truly lived in this rational world, then why had the leaves furled out at that time? Had there been something wrong with me?
I processed it in different extremes. In one, I started practicing magical thinking, superstitiously thinking I could prevent it again by avoiding certain actions. Yet in the other, in an attempt of kindness towards myself, I adopted a Jack Burden-esque Great Twitch-esque mentality towards life. Everything that happened was already written out in a table of contents I couldn’t see, by an agenda I didn’t understand, and my actions were inconsequential.
There wasn’t a particular resolution to this, gradually with time, sand had suffocated the worst of it away. Despite everything, I was still myself. But as the future looms with uncertainty, I find myself unable to decide. How do I get to the future I want? How much control do I even have over that? What should I do? Why doesn’t the fortune-telling shop on the street offer a free trial?
Perhaps I should just trust it’ll be okay.
lol kinda more srs newsletter this month than expected (I think I j tend to write in a very lofty way sometimes) - here are sm things I’ve been up to →
my skin has gotten suspiciously bad like not sure if this is a metaphor for something rn but if someone has skincare recs pls lmk
the twitter chaos makes me sad bc everything I post is a shitpost and everything I write longform is just a post
Not sure when this happened but recently I’ve been missing Pennsylvania as if it had become some sort of synonym for a soft place where nothing happens