on change, on practice
a little corny
One night I found myself listening to a song from a college indie band whose concert I attended at the basement of the co-op next to mine. Listening to the looping bass, the loose melody and voice of the singer, I felt an indescribable feeling wash over me. Eyes soft, imperceptibly so, reaching for something just beyond my fingertips.
The day prior I had met up with some people from the co-op, the first time this particular group of people had met in three years. An intersection of time - do you think you can be in two places at once? You are at an intersection and you look both ways before crossing.
The song traced a bittersweetness in my memory - the lingering desperation I had in college for approval and foolish belief that if I achieved certain goals I would finally become the person I wanted to be without looking any closer. I had forgotten parts of myself as a result.1 With no one around to witness them, it was if they were never there.
Three years since is so much time, yet so little. I had done so much, yet so little, but at the very least I was slowly becoming myself again. Towards the end of 2023, I made a website as a declaration that I was going to make art and share it and it was going to be bad and inconsistent and unpolished but at the very least! At the very least I was going to try!
nestled in winter
I wanted to make a website to hold the entirety of myself and spent a lot of time fiddling around trying to find definition. I didn’t really know what I was going to create and judging by what I had done in the past, there wasn’t a clear theme. Looking back, I’m somewhat impressed with being able to consistently chip away at designing and coding the current version of connie.surf over a few days2. At the end, it was nice to have a vessel to explain my current self and what I wanted to become.
the borders of winter and fringes of spring
Into the spring, I self-published a comic compilation to express and get out some feelings I had going through major life changes. Speaking things into existence only makes them more real, but it was what I needed to see clearly. It was how I could move forward.
Spring was also a chance to share said work with the world, I started posting more on social media and put my comics and zines up at some consignment stores. I didn’t expect for a few friends and random people to reach out to me to tell me how much the work resonated with them. How beautiful it is to be seen for myself as I was!
Later on, I also got the chance to teach my first workshop at camp, at the end we all made mini 4-8 panel comics and did a small show and tell which was so incredibly heartwarming. I also did an array of experiments for camp under a general theme of machine yearning (or more aptly different manifestations of my own yearning).3
as spring washes into summer
I started writing as a way to understand the world, not just myself. I’d record articles, quotes, and things from my every day life over a few months in my messenger app, until enough bubbled up into a coherent stream of thoughts. A looser kind of research that was a slow accumulation over time, which felt like a new way of seeing.
I rounded off the year with several more ambitious software projects simmering in my brain, to only run out of time with other random life events (moving, getting sick, work) which left only scattered time to dedicate to them and some major skill issues where I didn’t know how exactly to develop them or start.
Into the new year, I want to develop more practice to tackle these harder projects. Good work in a new medium takes a very long time and a repeated, consistent effort. I never had a semblance of a routine until I started running two miles a week this year. If I could do that, maybe I could set aside a few hours too to dedicate to practicing, instead of running away behind a laundry list of ideas and obligations.
As part of practice, I also want to live lighter. Instead of spending so much time trying to predict the future and analyze what the “right thing” to do, I want to let go of expectation and be guided from what stirs within me.
The past year I felt like I had lived in a way that was markedly different from how I spent the four before that. At the end of this year I read “The Creative Act” and felt a deja vu for a fair share of the book. I had not done that much, but I had done something at the very least, I moved forward.
When I first graduated I didn’t really know what I wanted to do. The most I could articulate was a vague desire to maybe illustrate some things and sell it at an art fair. I sold at a few this year with the help of friends who had extra space on their table, and even tabled with friends at the very end of the year! I can understand it more clearly, it wasn’t the act of selling at a fair really, it was being able to connect with others over creativity as a way to interact with the world. And it didn’t have to be at a fair even, just passing conversations on the train, at a chance encounter, on the interwebs, anywhere and anytime at all was more than enough for me. I’m so grateful to everyone I’ve met, and have yet to meet!
I hope everyone has a great end of the year, see you next year!
it’s very evident in my first substack post I ever wrote
I got sick for a few days this break which made me put off doing any kind of structured thinking for a while… where did all the time go…
not linked anywhere because they’re all 20% done… I mostly wanted an excuse to quickly figure out new technologies, for example: https://machineyearning.glitch.me/ was experiment I did to use a websocket where you can pass notes to someone, the UI feedback is haphazard because of.. a skill issue…
tender note fitting for the end of year. always a constant question on who we are today and who we want to be tmrw, but very inspired by all our interactions this year! ending this year reflective and a little bit hopeful..